Duelogue
by Kelimion
Summary: A series of loosely connected one shot vignettes, showcasing various people verbally sparring with House. No specific pairings or time line, mostly random, but carrying a theme across from one chapter to another. Re-rated to T.
1. Cuddy: Scrabble

**Duelogue**

a series of loosely connected one shot vignettes, showcasing various people verbally sparring with House

**Disclaimer:** House is not mine, which works for me; I'd rather wake up next to Cameron or Thirteen.

**A/N:** I'll be adding to this from time to time as things pop into my head that don't fit my other project, a House/Thirteen multi-chap fic called Legacy.

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**Cuddy: Scrabble**

"You're impossible, House!" Lisa Cuddy was livid.

House gave a non-committal shrug, leaned in towards her on his cane. "Clearly the universe disagrees with you, as I'm here in your office. Maybe you're a figment of my imagination, though, it would explain why the twins are on display more prominently than usual."

Cuddy made no effort to cover up, who was he to tell her how to dress, when he looked more like a roadie than a physician. "Well, well, you're lazy. You haven't done your clinic hours all month."

House smirked, making no effort to tear his eyes away from Cuddy's cleavage. "Such an eloquent repartee, where are we, preschool? I'm not lazy, I've just carefully honed my nihilistic approach to pragmatism to splendorous perfection."

Cuddy sighed and rolled her eyes. "Pray tell, what's the difference?"

"Mostly the number of syllables, Chase challenged me to a game of Scrabble." he replied, yawning.

House never socialized with Chase if there wasn't something in it for him. "And you've obviously accepted, so, what's the bet?"

"If I win Cameron spends all of next week in my bed, satisfying my every whim." He waggled his eyebrows.

Cuddy couldn't believe it. "And she agreed to this?"

House barked a laugh. "Of course not, she has no clue. Where would the fun in that be?"

Cuddy sighed deeply, then her voice found the strength she needed. "As I said, House, you're impossible."

He was beaming. "Aw, stop it, you'll make me blush."

"This isn't over." She gave him her glare, it was known to make full grown men cry; knowing that it would never work on House didn't stop her.

House started looking around, showing his disenchantment with this boring conversation. "I know, or I'd be surfing the interwebs right now. What's your size, I'm ordering you a negligee. Okay if I have it delivered for you to accept in the ER?"

Cuddy actually growled, House's mission for the day was complete. "Why do I put up with you again?" She asked, through clenched teeth.

"Because you lllikkke me, you want to hhhold me, and want to kiiissss me." House jigged around a bit, singing.

Cuddy threw up her hands in frustration and stormed out of the office. House counted down the seconds. "5... 4... 3... 2... 1."

She stormed back just as quickly, and shouted him down. "This is _my_ office, you get out!"

House shrugged and made to leave, looking over his shoulder just before he left. "If you didn't want me here, why call me to begin with?" And was gone before she could respond.

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**A/N:** It's short, I know... that's why it's a vignette. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed it. More will follow whenever I'm not working on Legacy, as mentioned above.


	2. Foreman: Fjords

**Duelogue**

a series of loosely connected one shot vignettes, showcasing various people verbally sparring with House

**Disclaimer:** House is not mine, which works for me; I'd rather wake up next to Cameron or Thirteen.

**A/N:** I don't think House would read the book mentioned below, but as he entered my twilight zone, he now has.

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**Foreman: Fjords**

"House, can I ask you something?" Foreman found House sitting at his desk, feet up, throwing a ball from one hand to another.

"No, I'm busy, not that it will stop you from asking." His answer the only acknowledgment he gave of Foreman's presence.

"Pot calling kettle, House." Foreman shook his head.

House turned to face Foreman, who still stood in the door jamb. "Black, yes. Have you looked in the mirror at all, recently?"

Foreman ignored the jab, wisely, lest he be called Doctor Bling. "Is it non-committal shrug, or committal non-shrug?"

"You're asking me for writing advice?" House shook his head, as if the morning wasn't strange enough. "A non-committal shrug is my usual reaction to any of Cuddles' questions, a committal non-shrug is a nod. Why?"

"I'm writing a short story, is why." Foreman replied, knowing he probably wouldn't hear the end of it, but his pride demanding it.

"And yet you ask me for advice, it can't be very good." House replied, showing Foreman what a non-committal shrug looked like.

"What do you know about fiction anyway, when's the last time you read any non-medical text? And no, porn websites or the TiVo guide don't count." Foreman challenged.

"Just finished the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," House grins, nodding to the book on his desk. "it mentions a triple-breasted whore, I couldn't help myself after someone told me about it. Little light on the erotica, but I did get a chuckle or two out of it."

Foreman thought a moment. "Right, Douglas Adams wrote it... isn't he dead?"

"No, he's just pining for the fjords."

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**A/N: **An unlikely scenario, I know, but what the hey. Meanwhile Legacy's third chapter is nearing completion and ought to be ready for you later today.


	3. Cameron: Spelunking

**Duelogue**

a series of loosely connected one shot vignettes, showcasing various people verbally sparring with House

**Disclaimer:** House is not mine, which works for me; I'd rather wake up next to Cameron or Thirteen.

**A/N:** Rating upgraded to M for this chapter.

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**Cameron: Spelunking**

"What's that you're looking at now, Fjords?" House said, leaning over Cameron as she surfed the web on her notebook.

Cameron answered without looking back. "I'm looking for destinations to go spelunking next month."

House smacked his lips. "Spelunking, is _that_ what the cool kids call it these days, and why plan that a month in advance? I'll give you a throw down right now if you want."

She knew it had to come, it had after all been more than ten minutes since his last insinuation. Keeping her voice passive she replied. "Why don't you blackmail my OBGYN if you're so interested in my damp, tight cavern, House? Better yet, break into his office."

House leaned closer and whispered. "Or... you could just show me. You know you want to." Sensing the shiver running along her spine he knew he had her, he leaned back.

Cameron turned around to face him. "Excuse me? Since when are you interested all of a sudden... okay, I get it, how much?"

House scoffed. "How much? I resemble that remark."

Cameron stared him down. "It's obviously a bet with Wilson to see if I'll flash you the goods, how much?"

House thought for a moment, decided he'd probably get what he wanted with honesty this time. "500 if I can get you to flash me, 500 more if I can get you to go spelunking with me, as you call it. I bet him you would, he said you'd never consider it."

Cameron considered this, eyes narrowing, then relaxing. Gesturing, she replied. "Okay, hand it over. 500, and you'll get a ten second peek."

House didn't miss a beat. "Then what's in it for me? Make it at least twenty seconds."

Cameron was on a roll now, it felt good to know she could manipulate House into getting that proper date she'd wanted. It was the best grand she'd ever spent, she made a mental note to thank Wilson. "Apart from the view of your life? 500 and a date, one I'll enjoy this time. Twenty seconds."

House answered in mock outrage. "500 _and_ a date? It better be gold-plated... Alright, twenty seconds. But you go commando for the rest of the day; I'll need the thong to prove Wilson I was right. Do I get a feel for that amount as well?" He reminded himself to thank Wilson for helping set this up.

Cameron leaned over and whispered this time. "If I enjoy the date. I'll even let you keep the other 500."

House walked into his office and started closing the blinds. "There better be some encores during the day, just to make sure you're not backing out on that commando bit."

Cameron entered, smiling. "You're the boss."

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**A/N: **Although these are all one shots, there is a theme here. "Non-committal shrug" carried over from chapter 1 into chapter 2, and Fjords from 2 to 3. Suggestions on what to carry over from this chapter to the next, and who to pair it with are welcome. I don't mind a bit of reader interaction.


	4. Wilson: Gynecologist

**Duelogue**

a series of loosely connected one shot vignettes, showcasing various people verbally sparring with House

**Disclaimer:** House is not mine, which works for me; I'd rather wake up next to Cameron or Thirteen.

**A/N:** This one goes out to Phantom351, a House/Wilson bit by special request.

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**Wilson: Gynecologist**

House let himself fall into Wilson's bad-news-couch, waiting for two seconds for his friend to acknowledge him before getting bored with his doing-my-charts-ignoring-you shtick, and launching his question just the same. "If you were Cameron, would prefer you or me as your new gynecologist?"

"Excuse you?" Wilson looked up, put down his pen. "What brought on that question? I highly doubt she'd tell you if she were shopping around for a new one, let alone ask you for advice."

"You know as well as I do that she's looking for me to give her a pelvic exam on a regular basis, just not the normal kind, and it would come with more strings attached than a new appointment card alone." House replied. "Humor me with this thought experiment, if you were Cameron, who'd you choose?"

Wilson sunk into thought. "If I were Cameron..."

House smirked. "You'd touch yourself all day long, right. Apart from that, though, you or me?"

"No, _you'd_ touch yourself all day long if you were Cameron. As if I play with myself every minute I have alone to myself in this office as it is." Wilson grimaced.

"Not the mental image I was looking for, you gratifying yourself on this couch." House made a move to get up.

House getting up gave Wilson a choice of words to use. "Oh, get off it, we're not all perverts like you."

"Of course you are, you just don't admit to it." House grinned. "So, Cameron... you or I?"

"Why do you want to know this so badly? Are you going to propose to Cameron that she switch to either of us, just to gauge her reaction?" Wilson let his curiosity show.

House shook his head, Wilson ought to know better. "I'll never _propose_ to anyone, including Cameron, you know that."

"And _yet_ you _still_ want to give her a 'pelvic exam' on a regular basis." Wilson sounded out the air-quotes but forewent the actual somatic reinforcement of the words. "You might as well admit _that's_ why you're here, to see if I have an idea that gets you to have her as you wish, _without_ the relationship you think she'd demand."

"Seeing as you know me so well," House replied with obvious sarcasm, "do you? This is all pointless conversation otherwise, isn't it?"

"To be fair," Wilson sighed. "I thought it was pretty pointless from the moment you asked the original question. It's all hypothetical, isn't it?"

"Right, and the point is to turn it from hypothesis into reality." House pressed on.

"So you want to switch specialties to gynecology? I never thought I'd see the day." Wilson grinned, this was fun.

"Sure, taunt me." House scoffed at the idea. "No, I just want to give Cameron the fun kind of pelvic exam every day! Now, will you help me or not?"

"I just did." Something about Wilson's eyes at this reply told House his friend had been scheming, and he'd just fallen for it, but what was it?

House had to know. "You did?"

"Did you get all of that, Allison?" Wilson asked, making an extra effort to show House he was addressing the party on the other end of the phone by leaning toward it.

Cameron's voice rang out over the speaker. "Loud and clear. How's your schedule this afternoon, House, think you can fit me in?"

House thought quickly, determined to get back the upper hand. "Don't you mean, _think you can fit in me?_"

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**A/N:** I hope you enjoyed this one, Phantom351, and everyone else reading this as well of course. I'm nice like that. Any other suggestions who to have House banter with next time, and what theme to carry over to it, they're still welcome.


End file.
